


Fight me? ;)

by JMonCheri



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Phichit is the sassy ratchet friend, Romance, This is crack, Viktor is a hot asf doctor, Yuuri is a sucessful skater with an injury, based off that one text post, fight me, i can't find it anymore tho, somebody help, viktuuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 09:57:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10828932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JMonCheri/pseuds/JMonCheri
Summary: “Well, Yuuri…” Yuuri nearly falls off the bed. “I really have to check your vitals. This will only be quick, I promise.”“Fight me.”Doctor Sexy chuckles, laughter resonating through the room. “Maybe later.”Yuuri makes an unintelligible noise.





	Fight me? ;)

Yuuri Katsuki was a very strong person.

 

He’s a figure skater in his prime, a Japanese man with the highest records in history and he has brought pride to his hometown. Not only that, but his legs of _steel_ , hardened from ballet and the tortures of figure skating, has the power to roundhouse kick a bitch into oblivion. Also, have you _seen_ his eyebrows? Not only could he kick a bitch, he could also _cut_ a bitch as well if he could.

 

But he doesn’t. Why? He’s a good noodle, like Spongebob has once said. He couldn’t cross the street one time because he tried to pass by a stray dog without giving it food. Long story short, he fails. With half of his hamburger down later on, the dog follows him home. His mother once said that ‘he had a glass heart’ or some fairytale bullshit like that, and Yuuri was going to disagree, but he remembered crying during that one Kodak commercial, so he didn’t that much to defend.

 

Nonetheless, he was a strong person. He had _Tropical Cyclone Thighs,_ yes, not just _Thunder Thighs,_ it’s too mainstream anyways. He was strong, strong strong _strong strong strong-_

 

But that was not the case, not right now.

 

“ _Noooooo-“_

 

“Mr. Katsuki, please.” The absolutely breathtaking doctor says, amusement lacing his lovely, lovely accent. Yuuri laments on burrowing himself further into the fluffy hospital pillows just so the doctor could talk again, but he remembers that he’s doing it just because he does _not_ want his stupidly broken leg to be stretched and bended into weird positions again, so he burrows deeper.

 

“I have to take your vitals, Mr. Katsuki-“

 

“Please call me Yuuri, it’s weird when you’re being so formal.” Yuuri murmurs, hoping that his internally tormented voice would float above the sea of pillows he tried to drown in.

 

The doctor sighs; Yuuri imagines that his pretty plump lips would probably be in a little ‘o’ and Yuuri has to pinch himself in order to _not_ spiral into further insanity.

 

“Well, _Yuuri_ …” Yuuri nearly falls off the bed. “I _really_ have to check your vitals. This will only be quick, I promise.”

 

“Fight me.”

 

Doctor Sexy chuckles, laughter resonating through the room. “Maybe later.”

 

Yuuri makes an unintelligible noise.

 

Eventually, the doctor digs him up from the mounds of pillows and blankets and Yuuri tries not to faint whilst the doctor checks his blood pressure. The doctor smiles and gives him a cup of ice chips.

 

“I put in a few drops of melted sweeteners in there,” He says, smiling. “don’t tell.”

 

The doctor leaves the room, winking.

 

Yuuri chokes on a chunk of ice.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“How hot is he?”

 

Yuuri sighs.

 

“Come _on_ -“

 

“Richter scale?” Yuuri asks, and Phichit nods from the other side of the screen. He sips on something that very closely resembled what a magical and nearly nonexistent fairy would barf up, and he assumes Phichit was in a Starbucks somewhere. “I’ll put him on a Magnitude 11.5.”

 

“The Richter scale is a base 10 scale, you slut.”

 

“I am highly aware of that.”

 

“I mean, how are his _eyebrows_ , Yuuri. Have you checked the _eyebrows_? The eyebrows are said to be the windows of the _soul_ -“

 

“It’s the _eyes_ , Phichit.” Yuuri rubs a tired eye with a cuffed sleeve. “He has straight eyebrows, but his eyes are lovely.”

 

Phichit scoffs. “ _Straight_?”

 

“Yup.”

 

“No arch or whatever?”

 

“Not that I know of, no.”

 

“Damn, then you better hope that his eyebrows are the only straight thing about him.”

 

“ _Phichit_ -“

 

“Fine, fine, but since you’re being a melodramatic sap, how are his eyes, huh?” Phichit says. “I _swear_ to god if you start droning about ‘how they’re the greenest of emeralds, the cloudiest of storms, the purest of the deepest blue seas’-“

 

“They’re blue.”

 

“That’s it? _Wow-_ ”

 

“You’re a hypocrite.”

 

“Alright, so are you going for his _dick_ or what-“

 

“Goodbye Phichit.”

 

“ _WAIT, no,_ try to get a pic of his eyebrows alright? If the both of you _do_ end up banging then I must give him some trimming advice because NO FRIEND OF MINE IS GOING TO DATE AN ARCH-LESS WANNABEE-“

 

Yuuri throws his phone into the endless garden of bouquets his battalion of fans sent him, wishing for some ice chips with unhealthy artificial sweetening flavors.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Yuuri?”

 

Mmmm.

 

“Mr. Katsuki, are you awake?”

 

Mmmmmmskhdkshdbaswuqhewjdjsknajndska-

 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Doctor Sexy says, sighing as Yuuri wraps himself in a cocoon like some demented butterfly with a broken leg and some drool on his chin. “Please get up; we have to do physical exercise on your leg to make sure it’s not strained.”

 

“No.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Mmmmmakshkhkdnaksn-“

 

“Geez, you’re really hard to wake up, aren’t you?”

 

“What are you talking about, doctor?” Yuuri says, face starting to merge with the pillow he buried it, eyes closed like the day he was pushed out of his mother’s vagina. “I’m already getting up.”

 

“Sure you are.”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“Please, we have to stretch your leg-“

 

“Shh… Shush, I’m busy trying to get up. Gimme a few hours or so.”

 

The doctor just sighs. “Yuuri-“

 

“Shhhhhhhhhhh-“

 

“I won’t give you any ice chips.”

 

“Now you’re just being too mean.”

 

“You have to get up.”

 

“Fight me.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri Katsuki has (finally) underwent surgery, after a week of observation, and now his leg is 10% metal, which makes him feel like the next Iron Man. Too bad, because he’s pretty damn loopy despite his supposed superpowers.

 

Yuuri giggles as Mari sends him a little animated sticker. Normally he wouldn’t laugh at such childish things, but Dumbo the elephant just flew by his vision a few minutes ago, also, the flowers in his room are moving and closing their petals like buttholes. Alright, too weird? Fuck it then, he’d have to- oooh, little bunny rabbits!

 

Doctor Sexy enters, holding a clipboard. Honestly, why do doctors always have clipboards with them? Yuuri used a clipboard as a portable snack holder once, because he was _obviously_ a responsible adult who makes good choices.

 

“Doctor!” Yuuri says, the idiot on anesthesia he is, and holds out his arms as if going for a hug. Doctor Sexy has a surprised look of sexiness on his face.

 

“Hello?” He says, closing the door behind him. Yuuri giggles and flops back onto the bed. “Ice chips!”

 

Doctor Sexy smiles. “You can’t have Ice chips, dear. You’re still on drugs.”

 

Yuuri has this ‘7 year old Oscar winning child actor’ look on his face, face falling and his bottom lip pouting. “Oh.” But suddenly, he giggles like the fucking Oompa Loompas were tickling him. Doctor Sexy has a confused look of sexiness on his face. “What’s so funny?”

 

Yuuri points a finger to his clothed chest. “You called me ‘dear’.”

 

Doctor Sexy smiles, blue eyes shining and Yuuri has to shield himself in order to save his eyesight. “Is it alright?”

 

“It’s nice.” Yuuri says, sighing as he burrows into the covers. “Having Doctor Sexy call you ‘dear’ is nice.”

 

Doctor Sexy has a choked look of sexiness of his face. “What?” Anxious and Loopy Yuuri pouts and has a confused look on his anxious and loopy face.

 

“I… I, ah, my name is Viktor.” Doctor Sexy says, Yuuri has the most absolute look of _horror_ and _shock_ on his face.

 

“Your name is _not_ Doctor Sexy?” Yuuri whispers out. His hair was probably sticking out _everywhere_ , and his eyes probably screamed nothing but ‘batshit crazy’.

 

Doctor Sexy- no, _Viktor_ chuckles, blue eyes crinkling. Oh god, his eyes did _that_? Woooow.

 

“Whatever.” Yuuri burrows deeper into the sheets. “Viktor’s nice too, by the way.”

 

Viktor smiles, pulls the covers up. Yuuri burrows deeper into the comforters, hoping that he wouldn’t remember any of his drug induced shenanigans in the morning.

 

“Thank you.”

 

 

* * *

 

Yuuri Katsuki is ready to kill himself.

 

Doctor Sexy- _Viktor_ laughs as Yuuri stumbles once more on the little treadmill. It looked like it could be for toddlers. _Toddlers_. Yuuri bent his leg over his head and beyond on more than numerous occasions, and he probably scared the kids that were practicing in the studio that day; either way, this was _pathetic_.

 

“It’s alright, you’ll get used to it.”

 

“I want to _die_ -“

 

“Please don’t.” Viktor says, leaning against the railing in all of his adult confidence. “It’ll be a shame to lose a pretty face.”

 

Yuuri falls off the treadmill entirely.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

> **Hamster Mom (11:23)**
> 
> Yaaaas, bitch, go get dat dick

 

 

 

 

> **Katsucci (11:23)**
> 
> You’re not being that helpful, you know

 

 

 

 

> **Hamster Mom (11:24)**
> 
> exCUSE YOU, im damn helpful enough. If any of you need a wedding planner, im right hurrrrr

 

 

 

 

> **Katsucci (11:24)**
> 
> …

 

 

 

 

> **Katsucci (11:24)**
> 
> He called me cute, tho.

 

 

 

 

> **Hamster Mom (11:24)**
> 
> HA, I knew it u thirsty ho

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“How long do I have until I can skate again?” Yuuri says, circling his ankles. “I feel entirely better now.”

 

“Your recovery is almost complete now.” Viktor says, tapping his pen against his lip. Oh, how Yuuri _wished_ he was a pen. “You’d have, at least, a week here at the hospital for more physical therapy.”

 

Yuuri tries not to let out a groan of frustration that matched that of a creature from the Jurassic Period. Viktor chuckles.

 

“If I would’ve only stuck that landing better.” Yuuri pouts, remembering that one fateful competition. Four Continents, an attempt at a Quad Loop, and a broken landing later, Yuuri Katsuki was now admitted in a hospital with apparently the hottest doctor alive (he looked it up; apparently Viktor Nikiforov was more famous than he thought).

 

“You hacked your outer blade on an uneven mound of ice, right?” Viktor asks, Yuuri nods, wondering why Viktor even _knew_. “You should’ve used your other foot to stabilize yourself into a safer landing, at least then you could’ve saved yourself from permanent damage and _maybe_ even would’ve stuck it, maybe with a few deductions.”

 

Yuuri couldn’t help the little smile that finds its way onto his lips. He shoves a spoonful of ice chips in his throat. Mm, _grape_ flavored. “My my, you’re a skater as well?”

 

Viktor suddenly flushes, Yuuri wonders why. “Ah, not exactly. I’m just a fan of skating and… uh, I’m a fan of you.”

 

Yuuri chokes on an ice chip.

 

Viktor rubs his back sympathetically when Yuuri tries to un-deepthroat those shreds of ice. Huh, the polar ice caps were already starting to take their revenge. “F-Fan?”

 

Viktor sighs, softy lil soft smile on his face. “Yuuri Katsuki? Five time Gold medalist in like… _every_ competition out there, has unbreakable records, and broke the internet when you skated with a bat when you did that Harley Quinn cosplay for your exhibition? Yeah, I am _quite_ a fan.”

 

Yuuri flushes, remembering the exhibition skate. It involved lots of mesh, a crop top, hair dye, lipstick, bruises from the bat from accidentally hitting himself with, and ripped skin tight black jeans. Hey, he was _sponsored_ alright? “It… It can’t be-“

 

“I _literally_ tried not to fanboy when I found out you were assigned to me.” Viktor says, head on. Yuuri is astounded at this man’s level of ‘i-will-not-fuck-with-you’.

 

Yuuri hopes that he’ll just disappear into his cup of ice chips. “I… Thank you.”

 

“You have lots of fans, Yuuri, you don’t need to thank me-“

 

“No, I mean…” Yuuri coughs into his fist. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

 

It was now Viktor who blushes, his red flush a lovely contrast to his blue eyes. “It’s my duty, Yuuri, you don’t have to.”

 

Yuuri smiles. “Ah, but I want to.”

 

They both smile, like the pining idiots that they are, and the cup of ice chips in Yuuri’s hand silently screams at the sexual tension. Yuuri finds that he’s finished it, and holds it out to the doctor, eyes pleading. “More?”

 

“I shouldn’t.”

 

“Please?”

 

“You’ve nearly eaten all our sweeteners.”

 

“Fight me.”

 

“Maybe I will.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Yuuri.”

 

Nudge nudge.

 

“Yuuri, it’s time to check your vitals.”

 

Yuuri sits up from his mound of pillows, looking like Satan’s right hand man. Rubbing eye boogers away, he glares at the grinning blue eyed doctor. “Why do you _always_ choose to check my vitals when I’m asleep?”

 

Viktor smirks, that same old stupid clipboard in his hand, except, Yuuri stuck a few stickers on the back. He was a little worried, but Viktor said he got compliments from his coworkers, saying that the poodle stickers were rather ‘lively’. “It’s nice messing with you, plus, I feel like I get special training when I try to wake you up.”

 

Yuuri rolls his eyes, burrows himself further into the pillows.

 

“Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri chucks a pillow at him.

 

Viktor catches it.

 

“No more ice chips.”

 

Yuuri gets up.

 

Later, when Viktor is taking a blood sample, Yuuri finally realizes something. “Hey, doctors are really busy, right?”

 

Viktor hums, filling the syringe with vampire food. Yuuri furrows his eyebrows. “And nurses take care of the patients, right?”

 

Viktor nods.

 

Yuuri faces Viktor, narrows his eyes. “Aren’t the _nurses_ the ones who usually check the patient’s vitals?”

 

_Clang, clack._

Viktor accidentally knocks over a nearby IV holder. Yuuri’s eyes narrow even further. “Why are you wasting your time on _one_ particular patient, just to check for vitals-“

 

“Oh, would you look at that!” Viktor chuckles, looking at his watch like it was the Messiah. “I have… ANOTHER patient to aTtEnD TO, so, UHHHH, I’ll see you later, yes?”

 

“Viktor…”

 

“I’ll just have a nurse send you over your ice chips later on, alright? Be good, try not to sneak out, and don’t eat too much ice chips. Toodles~”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“ **Yuuri Katsuki, riddled with crippling anxiety and self doubt has once again, showcased a masterful performance despite of his injury last season!”**

Okay, that _wasn’t_ what the announcers _actually_ said, but it was alright to Yuuri. When he moves to the Kiss and Cry, it was no surprise that he had once again kicked all the bitches to oblivion, and his name was proudly sitting on the top. Celestino exclaims something loud in Italian and pats him in the back, Phichit has sent him 60 gigabytes worth of emojis, and he could hear his sister and ballet instructor screaming in the stands.

 

Everything could’ve gone as what he could’ve expected…

 

Except one thing.

 

Doctor Sexy is standing there, by the backstage where the locker rooms are, cup of coffee in his hands and smirk marring his features.

 

Yuuri laughs exasperatingly, taking the little bouquet he has brought. In the corner, his Mari and Minako are having a _field_ day taking not so subtle pices of them. “How’d you get in here?”

 

Viktor grins, winks. “I have my ways.”

 

His ways are a cup of coffee with a little post it note on top.

 

_Fight me? ;) –Doctor Sexy_

They, eventually, _do_ fight… In more ways than you’d expect.

**Author's Note:**

> lmao yuuri get that dick
> 
> based off that one text post, i cant remember it but can any of you help me?
> 
> also, it's gon be my birthday on the 6th of may *lame party poppers* do any of you have the same birthdays? I'm spending this birthday alone, so it'll be nice to party with a few others who shared the same 'pop outta ur mothers vagina' day.
> 
>  
> 
> [check out my shit tumblr ya'll](https://jmoncheri.tumblr.com)


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